I am in a funk. Nope, not a shake-yer-booty funk. A funk funk. Like, Strong Sad funk. (Nerd points for anyone who didn’t need to click the link to understand that reference – you are my people. ❤)
Life is cyclical. It is for you, it is for me, it is for everyone. (Like, duh, Karen, we know…ok fine, then just humour me.) No one escapes it. Sometimes you’re up, sitting on top of the world, then next thing you know you’re down, flat as a pancake wondering how the hell to scrape yourself off the floor. (Please note I’m not talking any extremes here associated with mental illness, those are serious medical conditions that require proper attention and not something I’d ever make light of.) But we all naturally fall somewhere along the top of the world/pancake spectrum on any given day.
Today, I’m down. Like, waaaay down. I saw it creeping up on me and then this morning I finally hit bottom with an unceremonious thud. Sometimes we can pinpoint the reasons for the thud and sometimes it just happens. This particular time, I have reasons: Finally letting go of hope and the reluctant acceptance that someone I care for is probably never coming back to me, and that is hugely disappointing, not to mention painful. That the book I’m so anxious to write keeps stalling and I end up staring at the proverbial fucking wall wondering why the words aren’t coming. That the trip I’m trying to plan for fall is way more expensive than I thought and maybe I just need to pull the plug on it because, money. (As in, I have none.) Blaaaaaah. Normal life crud.
Why am I telling you this? Not for sympathy or to complain (although it is my blog and I’ll whine if I want to, haha) and certainly not to drag you down with me. I know this funk too shall pass. But something this time made me feel compelled to tell you, just in the off chance you didn’t already know, that feeling the funk is COMPLETELY NORMAL. We’ve become a society stuck to our phones focused on perfection and achieving the ultimate look-how-amazing-my-life-is post – and yes, life can be pretty fucking great sometimes and you should celebrate the shit out of it when it is. But sometimes, a happy post (or an endless stream of posts that make you think, really you never have a bad day ever wtf are you even human) can have the opposite effect of making us feel worse about our own place in life – not the poster’s fault but our own, a social media side effect of the world we now live in and one I definitely need to try to distance myself from. It’s rarely the post that’s upsetting so much as the reminder that maybe your life looks nothing like you thought it would/could/should, and certainly not like THAT *points to IG account of shiny perfect happy people achieving all the things*. (That’s assuming we take what we see at face value.) In this era of in-your-face exposure there seem to be fewer people willing to stand up and show you what it looks like when their life takes a nosedive (and those who do, I see you and I sincerely applaud and appreciate you). Maybe it’s a privacy thing, but I suspect not. It’s just not as attractive. But holy shit man, that ugliness is when life is most real. Where’s the post about how you cried yourself to sleep last night because you aren’t where you thought you would be by now, or the ‘look how red and puffy my face is from crying’ #nofilter selfie? THAT’S real. Authentic. And it’s missing from our daily views (not the daily news, that’s a whole other level of reality I prefer not to venture into today) to remind us that it’s ok to not be perfect ALL THE FUCKING TIME. And well, since I’m always the one running around waving my ‘Honesty is the best policy!’ flag, then I’m a hypocrite if I don’t share that side of my life now and then too. So here it is, right now: I’m feeling the pain of losing a person I care about and it makes me
want to cry. I have pretty days but I also have ugly days (especially on the days when I cry, ooh boy). I feel like shit because I haven’t accomplished what I want to yet and I beat myself up because the only reason I haven’t is ME. Maybe that’s what you need to see today that makes you feel less alone or that hey, someone else is experiencing the same shitty feeling/thing/lack of thing that I am! Hell no. In that, you are not alone.
Sometimes too I think we get sucked into this idea that if we just think positively all the time then miraculously we can BE HAPPY ALWAYS AND NOTHING BAD WILL EVER HAPPEN. No. NO. That’s a dangerous belief, not to mention a lot of pressure to put on ourselves. Go ahead and think positive thoughts of course, but it’s this not-a-doctor’s opinion that it’s actually really unhealthy to actively avoid the things in our life that hurt us (or have the potential to hurt us). Nope, you’re not going to like the funk, but it serves a purpose, even if you can’t see what that is in the moment. So when it happens again – and it will – maybe just give in. Sit right in the middle of it and wallow the fuck out. It doesn’t make you weak. Happens to the best of us, trust me. And just like every single other thing about life – good and bad – try to remember it’s (probably*) temporary.
Even in the midst of the funk in which I wallow, happiness still exists. I remain grateful and am trying to enjoy the good stuff I mentioned in this post as much as I can…it’s just that I happen to be dragging my feet a little more today than I was yesterday. Meh. (Sh)it happens. I’ll get over it.
Love and funk or whatever,
(*Like 99% of the time it’s temporary. If it’s more serious, PLEASE get help and take care of yourself because your wellbeing matters.)